Yes, it's been a while since I posted here, but I really needed to take a break and well, get on with some real work.
Anyway, I'm into the last two-month sprint of my Master's and I've had to make a final decision about what I'm going to deliver in my final portfolio. Firstly, results so far. It looks like I've scored about 71-72% over the first two semesters, so it's all to play for with this remaining work (I need >70% overall for a distinction, more of which below).
Disappointingly, the thing that's consistently bringing down my overall mark is performance. Almost all my other work - research and composition - is >70, but my recitals have been low-mid merit, which on reflection I think is entirely fair, if not in fact a little generous. My original intention was to split my final portfolio between composition and performance, as I have so far, but I've finally decided to concentrate on the former. (I wrote in my previous post about my disappointing second-semester recital.)
For sure, it feels a little like "ducking it"; I really do want to continue to face down my performance demons, although I should stress that it's not just about the nerves - although there is that, of course. In recent recitals and competitions, I've been playing repertoire that is just a little bit beyond me, as I have been doing since I took up this whole classical guitar business.
But... I really would like to land that distinction. In my more disingenuous moments I maintain that this is because it would be a prerequisite for going on to study for a PhD. And there's some truth in that but, a. in truth a high merit would do the trick, and b. I'm still not convinced I want to go down that route at all. (I'll write about this another time.)
No, the real reason I'm pushing for a distinction is, well, chippiness, which has been a significant, if not especially attractive motivation for me doing this course in the first place. Look, I realise that at some point I really should fess up with myself about some of this stuff, the sense of making up for previously squandered academic and musical opportunities and of disappointing a lot of people who invested an awful lot in me when I was young. But it is what it is, and I'm not "going there" just yet.
Of course, the core motivation for seeing the course through remains learning and, er, personal growth, and looking for a structure to enable these. On that front, the course has outstripped my expectations. But now that I'm nearing the end of the programme and a distinction is a distinct possibility, I really do want to go for it. And at this point, that feels more of a priority than (again) facing down my performance demons (which in any case I'll have plenty of ongoing opportunities to do). As it stands, there's simply too much jeopardy in hanging this last stretch on a recital that could, well, go either way (a fact that of course increases its chances of not going very well at all).
So there you have it. Decision made. Next time out I'll write about the composition I've embarked on, which, characteristically, is something of a monster...
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